Disappointed by Yoga

I knew nothing about yoga, but I had a sense that there were gifts in it I didn’t yet know about, and I wanted to uncover them. I sensed it was like stepping into a hidden cave, certain there were treasures inside, long buried by pirates many, many years ago.

I came to yoga like parched earth waiting for rain. I was suffering from severe anxiety, burnout, and a lack of purpose. I was trying hard in every single aspect of my life. Trying to be good at a job I hated. Searching for a purpose that refused to reveal itself. Pushing my body past its limits at the gym and calling it "self-care."

I remember saying, through tears, “I am broken, inside and outside.”

Trying hard, searching, and forcing my body through punishing workouts were feeding my anxiety.

I walked into what looked like a serious studio in Auckland. The teacher pointed me to a mat.

I asked her, "But this is for meditation, right?"

Not that I knew anything about that either. But I needed reassurance. I was speaking from a place that needed to know that somewhere, at least in the unknown, there was hope for me.

I remember saying the words while holding back tears. I was looking for something more than a physical workout.

My teacher says there is no point in teaching asana if there isn’t a conversation first.

He is pointing to the relationship of care that needs to be established beforehand, and to the fact that the practice arises from the conversation and according to what each person is going through and needs.

His words make total sense to me now, as I remember that moment. After my vulnerable question, she looked confused, ignored me, and pointed again toward the mat. "Yeah, yeah," she said.

I kept coming. This was so much better for my nervous system than the loud music at the gym and a trainer encouraging me to ignore all the signals from my body that were shouting STOP.

But it didn’t give me what I was looking for. There was something missing.

It felt like I had entered the cave, but someone had hidden the treasure.

I was disappointed.

When I moved to Fiji, this idea of looking for a yoga teacher kept popping into my mind, even as I tried to ignore it.

I felt confused by myself. 

Why did I want to look for yoga classes if I didn’t feel like doing random postures with my body?

But like a fly that won’t stop buzzing, the thought persisted. So I looked for a teacher.

What followed was a cascade of serendipity that led me to him.

I remember our first conversation, on the phone. 

He asked, "What are you looking for?"

I said, "I don't know. What are you offering?"

We were both trying to feel into what we were about, to see if we could connect.

He said, "Come over for dinner and we'll check each other out."

I arrived for a lovely dinner in an intimate space. At some point, he said, "You are the power of the cosmos."

My heart dropped, and my whole being said: Yes!

This was it.

This was what I had been looking for. The acknowledgement of the beauty and the power that we already are. 

The next few days, I spent mostly lying on the floor, in bliss and complete absorption.

The practice wasn’t about doing postures or getting them right. It wasn’t a technique to regulate the nervous system either. 

It was way more than that.

The practice was about being intimate with the life that I am, and with the life that is creating me.

I became absorbed in it. In life.

In the energy that breathes me, moves me, beats me, and lives me.

In the life that I am.

The question of purpose disappeared. I am here to live and to love.

From this place, clarity about what to do and how to live my life came naturally.

I didn’t know it, but I had been looking for intimacy and connection with my own existence and with the whole.

These were the treasures in the cave.

Mariana García Flores integrates yoga and Humanistic Gestalt Psychotherapy to support body, mind, and heart as one. to support body, mind, and heart as one. Her work combines therapeutic conversation and deep inner listening to meet what hurts, soften long-held patterns, and reconnect with our natural wholeness.

She invites you to listen to the body’s subtle signals, tuning in to its innate wisdom and allowing it to guide you toward clarity, balance, and ease. If you’d like to work with Mariana, visit her website.